The Rain on my Window Pane

The Rain on my Window Pane

That thunderstorm last night was magnificent and in all its glory it had captured my soul. I was forced to confront and question every thought and feeling I had ever had. Who would’ve known that the rain that fell upon my window pane last night would bring my soul to the surface?  I certainly did not.

I looked her straight in the face and she did the same. Her stare became uncomfortable and I wanted to look away but her gaze was holding me there. In that moment I belonged to her and no one else. The tears that fell down her face just mimicked mine. Why was she crying? Why was I crying? I wanted to take her into a warm embrace but I couldn’t for I belonged to her but she did not belong to me.

This beautiful entity standing before me embodied everything and everyone I had ever loved but not only them but the ones I had hated too, this had made apparent why she was crying. She had held my burdens all my life as she was forced to live parallel from me. Unable to speak to me or hold me but living the same life I had been living.

With the rain no longer falling upon my window pane and from the heavens she had slowly slipped away. Leaving me to stand there staring out onto the street.


Your Love Hurts Me Mommy: Overcoming Childhood Abuse

Your Love Hurts Me Mommy: Overcoming Childhood Abuse

Her hand did not always hurt me. It use to stroke and play with my hair as I rested my head in her lap. Her mouth once whispered inspiration into my mind. I thought that as long as she told me she loved me that she really did mean it. No matter how many times she punched or slapped me in the face when I did not scrub the tiled floor of our apartment back to it’s original whiteness. What did she expect when all she gave me was a toothbrush and bleach? Perfection. My mother expected her distorted vision of perfection.

The beatings started with purpose. As far back as I can remember I received punishment by belt for misbehaving in school or for not listening to my mother. As time went on the belt turned into kitchen utensils that turned into blunt objects. When the beatings came unexpectedly and more often I knew it was no longer about my misbehaviors but about something much larger. My mother was ill. The loving mother I once knew checked out and was replaced by a woman I began to fear.

As I grew older she knew she could no longer control me with physical abuse so she switched her method of torture to mental abuse. Oh, she played so much mind games with me but not only with me but with the people I loved. She used me against them and them against me. One thing I couldn’t understand was my father. No longer living in the home he had an opportunity to save my little sister and I but he didn’t. This women had a firm hold on him even though they were separated. Part of me wants me to believe it was because he loved her. Not the ill woman but the woman he met in the streets of Boston Massachusetts. They both bounced from group home to group home. That hopeless romantic part of me wants to believe that they found a home in one another. Another reason he stayed away was because she always told him “your children are disappointed in you Jimmy” and “they don’t want to see you.” I know because I would always listen in on their phone conversations. I guess a man doesn’t want to see the disappointment in their children’s.

I cried every night in my room and sometimes my little sister would hold me so I would calm down just enough so my mother wouldn’t hear. My little sister was there protecting me and being strong for me when I was suppose to being doing that for her. I was suppose to be the big sister. I always prayed the rough nights to God and asked him why he would give me to a mother that didn’t love me. Was it a lesson? I begged and pleaded with him every night to take me away. I promised that I would give everything I had to leave. One day he showed me that it wasn’t about what I had but about who I was. I found my strength and left everything else behind. It killed me to leave my baby sister behind but I swore to the heavens that I would come back for her and when I did I would bring an army.

My oldest sister and I researched and sought out lawful help to take my little sister from her. We didn’t hold anything back. We told our stories of abuse to one lawyer after another and finally we marched to the courthouse day after day with a lawyer by our side and demanded our baby sister come home with us until we were put in front of a judge that would hear our story. He heard it and ruled in our favor. That night we were escorted into my mother’s home to collect the rest of my sister’s things and of course my mother put up a fight but so did we. We walked out of there with three boxes full of clothes and our puppy. We did not look back. We never saw her again. I wish I could say we never heard from her again but living in a plugged in era that was impossible. From time to time she tries to connect through Facebook but we know better which is why we don’t respond.

When you are a victim of childhood abuse it doesn’t just become a thing of your childhood. The affects last well into your twenties and sometimes beyond. As a college student I had to ignore what my mother did to me in order pursue a better future for myself and that was a mistake. Depression had loomed over me. The winters seemed the hardest to get through. During those cold months I began to believe I was seeing my mother in places she wouldn’t be. Like my part-time job off campus, at the shopping mall and the city bus. I knew it was time for me to seek professional help. A few months into therapy I was diagnosed with Post traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD). It was heartbreaking news because even after two years of being rid of my mother she still had control over my life. It was then that I decided to take back my life. I became dedicated to not letting my past define me nor get in the way of my future. I refused to let her ruin what I built for myself. It is in the moment that you decide to take back your life that you already have.

10 Things to Remind Yourself of:

  1. You do not belong to the past.
  2. You are safe.
  3. You are loved.
  4. Even when it is difficult to do so. Just breathe.
  5.  Take time to reflect on where you are now and where you want to go.
  6. When you are ready. Open up to someone you trust.
  7. The only person with control is you.
  8. You make the decisions in your life.
  9. We are meant to grow better not bitter.
  10. Love yourself before anyone else.

These ten things that I have just listed have always helped me when I tend to lurk in the past and I want to share them with you. It’s mostly about reflection and when you reflect on who you are as a person you tend to pick up on things that you love about yourself. This is the road to recovery. It is not one we have to travel on alone and whether or not you want company is left up to your discretion. Remember to always put yourself first.

The Racial War of the United States

Throughout many years there has always been this sort of racial war within the United States. Not that it is a war between two races but between all races that inhabit these states. It is not really questioned much of what the war is over just that it is happening. It is happening in neighborhoods, schools and in the workplace. Race overtime has become a taboo topic to discuss in the United States because of the presence of this general Stereotype that bringing it up would begin or fuel an argument. Race is something that we cannot ignore within national discussions because than we become blind to racism and that term is called color-blind racism which is mention in Race and Ethnicity in Society by Elizabeth Higginbotham and Margaret L. Andersen.This racial war is not literal but it is a conflict among individuals and a conflict an individual has with oneself. There are many examples of an inner racial and identity conflict in Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man with the narrator and how the whole story of the novel is centered around him as an Individual. In the first chapter of Invisible Man the narrator talks about how he is an Invisible Man and that he “was in the cards” (Ellison, p. 15). This can be taken as a realization that he is not a special man but a normal man. He blends in with other normal men. The narrator is telling us that all his life he has been looking for his identity and he accepted the fact that he is just a man. A man part of a bigger picture. The narrator knew what race he was but 


he felt the need to search for more and this is when race becomes a myth that we as a society accepted as this necessity. As a society there is this belief that race is a big portion of our identity. In Race and Ethnicity in Society race is described as controlling our lives and “despite our constant protestations against it and its realities, it, like gender, permeates every fiber of our very existence” (Higginbotham & Andersen, p. 7). When we accept absolutely that race is a certain part of our being than we become caught up in it and that’s how we identify ourselves which leaves this feeling of searching for more or “trying to find ourself” like the narrator of Invisible Man and this creates an inner racial identity conflict. 

    Throughout the years race has been a hot button topic in the United States. What makes race a hot button topic is this fear of discussion. We fear to discuss race because we fear the potential arguments that are certain to arise and the simple fact that one does not know discuss it. Essentially it is fear that has been fueling this racial war that has been fought throughout the decades in the United States. Derald Wing Sue author of Race Talk and the Conspiracy of Silence explains why society feels the need to ignore the discussion of race; he says “First, to preserve harmonious, interpersonal relationships, there are certain topics that are taboo and we have to tiptoe around them in order not to offend others. I call this the politeness protocol”. 

In recent events in the United States there have been serious incidents which have forced race to be discussed. These serious incidents would be police brutality towards people of color and attacks on young men of color. In reference to a past incident of police brutality towards men 

of color that occurred on May fourth of 1970 at Kent State University; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar of Time Magazine says “there was no national outcry. The nation was not mobilized to do anything. That heartless leviathan we call History swallowed that event whole, erasing it from the national memory”. Abdul-Jabbar used this in support of the Ferguson protests in 2014 and mentions that we cannot stay silent on race issues or the same issues will continue to occur. 

    Another race issue in the United States that seems very old is the racism Southern Americans face in the United States. Whether it be an individual with citizenship or a paperless individual there is always this feeling of not belonging that sticks while maintaining residence in the United States. Some claim jobs are being taken away from hard working Americans or that ineligible individuals are reaping American benefits without contributing. These stereotypes seemed to have spread like wildfire over the years. 

What makes the race war in the United States so unclear is that we maintain this image of a melting pot seen by the outside world. It seems that within the states the melting pot has become a war. Some many different people fighting to keep their culture in the United States while keeping their identity as well. This is why race is a big part of American identities because we live a nation with so many different races. It’s almost like all these different races fighting for their spot in United States American history. One thing that most can agree on is that racism and ethnic discrimination in the United States has always been a serious issue since the colonial and slave era.


The recent contents of the racial war being fought in the United States has come to be police brutality against minorities, the history of slavery and the rising resentment against immigrants. The 1960’s proved to be a popular decade for race because of the great social changes that were made and the people who fought to have those changes made. The black civil rights movement had only caught the nation’s attention in the 60’s but has been an ongoing movement way before. Through literature, poetry and art the black civil rights movement was occurring before the 1960’s. When it did catch the nation’s attention it was a huge phenomenon. With the most influential leader of the black civil rights movement of the 1960’s, Martin Luther King Jr., social change was made possible. The theory that the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. was government orchestrated plays on the issue of race and the racial discrimination within the United States government during the 1960’s.

Racial discrimination has not disappeared from the United States government since the 1960’s; it still remains. There are discriminatory policies that have not changed or been attempted to change. Racial discrimination towards the American people adds to the fuel of the American people’s outrage towards the United States government. This is a significant part of the racial war in the United States because the American people expect their government to hear their problems and to fix them. When there is no government effort to help the American people than the American people become outraged and display their outrage whether some choose it to be non-violent or violent. This relates to the racial war because the people of the United States expected to be treated fairly and especially by their government. Recently the American people have been feeling that they are not being treated fairly.  


    Talking about race in a more global context would mostly pertain to the ethnic part of this racial war. As Americans we have this preconceived notion that we are discriminated against by other ethnic groups of different national experience. That other countries look at us and think that we are unhealthy, trigger-happy and as whole country a global bully. We take what’s not ours and we are always angry. Of course these stereotypes do not pertain to every American and that’s why they are called Stereotypes. Through an American lense we see our country as an object of hate for many other countries and this instills an unnecessary fear that the whole world is out to get the United States. This fear fuels the discrimination we as a society place upon other racial and ethnic groups. We live in a nation that lets its people believe that they are untouchable and that what the United States does globally is something that the whole world is benefiting from. 

The national discussion on race is slowly beginning because of the push from recent events. At some point, maybe far from this time, the racial war of the United States will simmer down and hopefully eventually disintegrate. This national racial war being fought by many races seems to become some sort of blaming game. Blaming different racial groups for different kinds of American failures has become a part of this racial war.

What is Inequality?

What is Inequality?

The definition of inequality changes from individual to individual. One may see something as fair while I see it as unfair. Generally inequality in terms of a social construct means unequal opportunities and the existence of flawed policies. Whereas this is a reflection paper so this is not what inequality is to me. 

To me inequality means an uneven playing field. Not every social class is receiving the same benefits and opportunities. When you start out in middle class society you’re more than likely to be successful in life than someone who starts life in poverty. There was this video I had watched a couple weeks ago that showed inequality in a visual perspective. Everyone sat down in rows and their mission was to get their crumpled papers into a waste basket at the front of the room. At the end it was proven that the people closer to the waste basket were more successful than their peers who sat behind them. This experiment was so moving for me because it explained inequality in a way it had never been explained. In the context of the United States as a whole inequality is abundant and has had negative effects. Like the Baltimore Riots and the multiple shootings of black teenagers. Our judgement can be initially bias and most of that bias is coming from white Americans. The American justice system is flawed which can lead to wrongful incarnation and injustice. America was founded on the belief that it would be the greatest country in the world because of the idea that the laws would be equal and just. This is not the case which does not make the United States the greatest country in the world. We’re flawed And unjust like most countries out there. 

There are many different inequalities in the United States and it affects all of our lives which is why it matters. It may seem very impossible to eliminate all inequality from this nation but it is not impossible to minimize it. Our day to day interactions with one another are altered in some way because of inequality. Equality and inequality is something we should all care about because the more equality this country has then the better chances there is of our quality of life improving. People who choose to ignore the inequalities of our country may think that as a nation we are already equal but that is not the case. 

Writing this reflection got me thinking about the election and the issue of the amount of illegals entering the United States. As a human I believe we should all have rights to any land but today it doesn’t happen that way. I wish that things were as black and white when it comes to illegal immigration that some people make it out to be but it’s not. Immigrants are fleeing tyranny and poverty in search of a better life. In their homeland they may face starvation, homelessness and torture. As humans morally it is wrong to turn people away and have them return to that life. As Americans we seem to not care and have this self righteous mentality.  

In a Moment of Hate I Almost Broke

For those on the outside looking in on my white picketed fence town I would like to share with you my story and by the end hopefully you will see that not everything is peachy keen in the town of Wilbraham. Families fight, children are bullied, teens are drinking, sexual harassment is occurring, rape has occurred and gangs have made an appearance. Are all these things happening at the same time and in the same neighborhood? No they are not but when and where they are happening is not important. What is important is that it is happening and it should not be ignored. Of course every resident wants to keep their town a safe place for their families and maintain a friendly environment but you cannot and should not do so by being hush-hush or putting a Band-Aid over undesirable occurrences within the town.
I graduated from Minnechaug Regional High School on June 1, 2012 and the event had me very nervous because I was wondering if people were able to see my sundress through my white gown on stage or if I was going to trip on my way off stage. Not once was I reminiscing about my moments in high school until I was sitting down in my seat listening to the speech that my class President delivered. He reminded me of the good times we shared as a class but as I looked around taking one last look at the faces that belonged to my former classmates I was reminded of the bad times that we shared.
I was very active within my high school’s Gay Straight Alliance club and that made me a target for bullying in my neighborhood. I knew when I started my activism for the LGBTQ community that some people are not accepting and can be cruel to LGBTQ people but for that reason exactly is why I started my fight against Homophobia. So I can eliminate or decrease the amount of hate within America to make more room for acceptance.
Recently within a few months I was faced with a homophobic bully and this bully wasn’t going to school with me but was with my younger sister and we all shared the same bus stop as well as lived in the same neighborhood of Wilbraham. For a couple of weeks this bully constantly called me a faggot and no she did not mean a pile of sticks. She didn’t directly call me a faggot to my face but whenever she saw me around she would openly yell it then laugh with her friends. One day my little sister and were walking to the bus stop together and when we got there we talked amongst ourselves. Within a few minutes the girl who had been yelling out Homophobic slurs approached me from behind and I knew she was coming because my sister saw her. I turned to face her because I knew she wanted to say something to me but I had no clue what she was going to say. She started yelling in my face; “You wanna fight me? I know you wanna fight me?” I was shocked because I had no idea why she thought I wanted to fight her; I wanted her to stop with the homophobic slurs. She started to take off her earrings and roll up her sleeves.
Tears began to fill my eyes and for each tear of mine that fell represented each victim of Homophobic bullying. My bus approached and my good friend who I have known since middle school caught a glimpse of the situation and she ran off the bus to my aid, she tried to get me to come on the bus with her but I told her that I needed to go home so she walked back to the bus and on her way there she said something to the bully but I couldn’t make out what she had said. My little sister walked me home with a reassuring arm around my shoulder probably because she remembered what my mom said to us earlier that morning, our mom told us; “If anything happens come right home.” When we got home my little sister explained to our mom what had happened. After that my mom took the appropriate steps as a parent and fought hard to make sure the girl who bullied me didn’t get away with it. As far as I know the girl was never punished for what she put me through.
This story that I told you is very true and it is one of my own but there are many others who have yet to share theirs. We all have a story but some of us choose not to share perhaps it’s because there is fear of opening old wounds or that no one will believe what they hear. When you graduate high school you begin to discover more about yourself as you try to move up in a society that will repeatedly try to knock you down.